People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
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To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
english majors be like furthermore
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”