setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
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When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.