I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
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If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Trying
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.