A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
You Might Also Like
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.