Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
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Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.