Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
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I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes