“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
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[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Don’t we all.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.