You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
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I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
just left a huge legacy in there
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
You got this…
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.