One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
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Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.