Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
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Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie