“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
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Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
That’s no pocket rocket.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.