Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
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As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Me: It鈥檚 hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino鈥檚 Delivery: Listen lady I鈥檝e only been late one time.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn鈥檛 u?
shaggy: ok i鈥檓 gonna go
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body馃槶. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don鈥檛 come down here
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
I keep a survival log when I鈥檓 forced to fast before bloodwork鈥o yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
I can鈥檛 lose weight, that鈥檚 where all my fattitude is
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.