When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
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[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de