God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
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Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
taking June’s advice to heart
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
this FaceApp is creepy af
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit