[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
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So many village idiots. So few dragons.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed