gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
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I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
That’s classic.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR