During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
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[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Godspeed, John Glenn
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.