Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
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*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.