My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
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the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
best first i’ve ever seen
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold