To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
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Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.