Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
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I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.