How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
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Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.