Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
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When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down