In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
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My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.