“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
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When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness