this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
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As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
I hope they boil the right one.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”