I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
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me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..