Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
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Perfect
oh shit
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy