Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
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There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
the answer was staring at me all along
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭