God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
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Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Cat.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once