My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
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Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.