Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
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me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
🤭😂
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.