[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
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A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*