If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
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Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Friday night party time 🥳
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
I’m tired tomorrow.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Blew out my flip flop…
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it