The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
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surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?