What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
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me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”