Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
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ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single