Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
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I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”