There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
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“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it