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when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.