My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
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[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.