College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
You Might Also Like
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
How to draw a duck