My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
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Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.