I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
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Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
The news in a nutshell.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this