turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
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me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
PARKOUR
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.