I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
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[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?