Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
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*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019