I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
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Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
*offers Batman cough drops*
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
British websites use biscuits.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos