Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
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If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
I was bored.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”