If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
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Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
hmmm
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon